Friday, May 15, 2009

Is it too late..

to decide I don't have the stomach for motherhood?

Katie and I were at the mall today to jump and play in the toddler play area (big surprise, it was raining and therefore unsuitable for a trip to the park).  So, we aren't there five minutes when, as Katie is standing atop a soft block square, basking in the glow of her climbing accomplishment, another kid (boy, of course) tackles her at the knees and knocks her to the ground.  The event goes apparently unnoticed by everyone but she and I and as she is not hurt, I try to laugh it off and encourage her to reclimb.  She does and a few minutes later I see the kid coming at her.  Without enough time to intervene, I can only watch as she is thrown, ricocheting off the smaller soft blocks, to the ground.  At least this time the male adult chaperone saw what had occurred also and he was quick to apologize, but not as quick as I was to show fangs, extend claws and growl, "Yeah, well, that's TWICE!"  So he retorts something partially unheard that ends with, "of course, he's only two so, you know..."  Mother Bear was reduced to impish cub in moments.  I don't even know what he said but I could feel my face redden and I was blinking back tears.  For the next... hell, I'm still... replaying the scene and wondering, did I over-react?  Was I just bitchy?  Is this the kind of thing I should except and accept by letting Katie play with others?

I just think it's a parent's responsibility to watch your kid to a) keep them safe but also b) make sure they aren't infringing on the rights of others (or going after a small girl like a linebacker).  Am I wrong?  So then I'm watching Katie play and some other toddler scrambles over the barrier wall and sets off for the far side of the mall.  His mother hasn't looked up from her laptop since she sat down and I found myself torn between running after him or at least alerting the mother and keeping quiet and letting Little Missy Whatserface learn herself a right lesson.  I opted to sit back and observe, mostly out of immaturity and flagrant self-righteousness.  When she did finally realize he was gone, she still appeared nonplussed.  She stood, scanned, located and sat back down.  He was still across the mall!

When Katie came over to me, performing some rhythmic hand-beating on the bench, twisted her hand and thumb in an unnatural position and winced and I was the one to let out an audible cry, I decided it was time to go.  We'd had enough fun.

So I'm second-guessing my ability to handle the minefield that is motherhood.  I was incensed, aghast and reduced to tears at someone else's injury all in the span of less than an hour.  Last night a program had me in hiccuping, chest-heaving, all-out bawling as I watched a brain damaged woman try to remember her daughter and her daughter's resentment at having to visit the mother's rehab hospital.  (Alright, maybe that one deserves a few tears.)  I give myself a free pass.  But can I do all this feeling and hurting and loving with another kid?  I'm overwhelmed.  

Perhaps its the hormones?

Because, clearly...stomach is not something I'm lacking these days...


Nocturnal Queen said...

You're perfectly justified in being angry that another child tackled your little girl. I would be ticked. Children have to be taught the proper way to behave and that boy's father should've done more than he did.

As for being emotional, I remember being more sensitive than normal when I was pregnant. I would find myself getting choked up over even small things.

I'm still an emotional person (I cry over commercials, movies, TV shows, news stories, songs, etc.) and I don't have pregnancy as an excuse. :-)

Anonymous said...

Just saying hi. WAYYYYYY to lazy to log on to my email and do it there. I'm already here, right? Katie Coco is getting sooooooo big! Hope work is going well. Mine time is about to end for those blessed three months or so of intellectual nirvana paradise (completely zoning all day in front of the tv, starting with the Golden Girls, heading into Frasier, some Lifetime movies, and then talk shows follwed by a round of game shows, movies on tnt or fx or usa or whatever, then back to the Golden Girls and Frasier as I fall asleep). Ah, the life of an educator. Go June! Go July! Go August! Tell everyone I said hi. Love, the outside toilet girl

Debbie said...

It's the hormones. Though I probably woulda tackled the kid. You look great...Katie's absolutely adorable - her hair is getting so long!

Anonymous said...

You sound like Sarah. Her hormones are raging too. She can't wait til the baby is born and she will be herself again. Hopefully! God help us if this continues after the baby's born! I'd be ticked too though about Katie being tackled. She is growing so fast and is absolutely gorgeous! You look wonderful!! Love you, Jen

Anonymous said...

Completely normal. I'm the bitchy mom that yells at the kids fighting in my front yard, telling them that I'm going to call their mothers if they keep it up! As they run away from crazy screaming out her front door lady, (ME) I yell for them to come back in a few minutes for freeze pops with a smile on my face :) Bipolar you ask? No, just trying to keep my sanity. LOL! You guys are so cute!!! Anne :)