Left is Right and Right is Wrong

I took the first step towards driving in Ireland on Tuesday, I sat for the theory test. Now I can apply for my provisional license (learner's permit) and learn how to drive! I have visions of driver's ed class at Killian, having to sit out in the heat and I remember one day dropping a pebble down into Luis Bravo's ear and it actually went INTO his ear and then he couldn't get it out and I thought Holy Shit I just killed him. (no, it didn't kill him). Then I was thinking about driving to school in the two-seater 300ZX with Kristy Spade squished into the hatchback.

good times. good times.

These are some of the weird challenges about moving to a different country. They don't care that I have been driving for 15 years (spotless driving record I might add). It takes everything I have not to slip into 'indignant American mode' and roll my eyes and scoff at their rules that shouldn't apply to me. I think everyday of what Georgie said when she said I sounded like the little old Cuban patients that thought they always knew best because "they were a doctor in their country.." If someone from Timbuktu landed in the States and thought they should be given a special pass right to the front of the DMV line because they were the official jitney driving instructor "in their country", we would say, piss off. We, in Miami, have seen how some of the fugees drive so we know that shit ain't the same where they came from.

So, I studied diligently and only missed 2 questions out of the 40 (which is better than Manus' score...) A lot of it is common sense and a lot of it is the same as in the States. Safe driving is safe driving. You have the two second rule for keeping a safe distance, there are red lights and green lights and stop signs, but there are a few things that I've just never seen in the States. Like this sign:

or maybe this sign

or even this one

This one you kinda know what they are talking about, but still it's not a sign you would see in America. And I can't help but think of someone jumping into my car to give me a quick back rub whenever I see it. Yeah, that would calm me.

But can you imagine a sign like that in the States? People would drive by it and be like "What the fu--?" You'd hear honking, they'd give it the finger, Spit on the sign, "I got ya calming right here, muthafucka!" they'd shout while gesturing fanatically at their crotch. I think that section of town would have the most UNcalm traffic around. Come to think of it, that sign is kinda pissing me off. I don't need some sign telling me when I should be calm. I'll be calm when I want to be calm. muthafucka.

Some of the questions did catch me a bit unprepared like:

Q: Why should you drive a tractor more slowly on uneven roads?
A: To avoid severe bouncing. (of course... how silly)

Q: What should you be aware of when driving a tractor over a humpbacked bridge while towing a trailer?
A: Hell, I still don't know that. But, what are the odds of me driving a tractor over a humpbacked bridge while towing a trailer? I mean, without the trailer - that's a possibility, but with...nah.

Q: What danger will arise with the power takeoff of a tractor?
A: You might get jet-propelled into the next dimension. Isn't power takeoff on a tractor how Michael J Fox got back to the future in part I? No, the actual answer is that your clothing might get caught and torn off of your body..
Where is Brad Pitt? I need him to help me with my tractor...

I think this was my favorite one:

Q: If you come upon the scene of an accident, what should you give the victim to drink?

These feckin' Irish LOVE their drink. What should you give them? Wha? Are you kidding me? "Oooh, you're bleeding pretty bad there, Paddy Joe, want me to fix ya a whiskey? It'll straighten that thing right up."

Now I don't remember what the actual question was, but the correct answer was: "There may be livestock in the road"

My friends, I'm not in Kansas anymore... Of course, if I was, maybe that would be a valid answer to know.

As you can imagine, there are a few signs to forewarn of the possibility of animals blocking your path, and if you drive in Ireland, you definitely will get stuck behind a slow-moving cow or two. But don't worry, it only happens like once or twice a week...

If fairness, there were some "gimmes"... like

Q: How do you know when there is a problem with the condition of the vehicle's brakes?"
A: "The vehicle's stopping ability is affected."
Really? duh. I thought maybe they'd just seem dull and lifeless. Quiet and a little subdued. Wonder how many have gotten that one wrong. Yipes.

Or they asked what does this sign mean?

Thank god it was multiple choice.

The testing center was in Waterford, it's the neighboring county and originally I was going to drive myself there, but thankfully my father-in-law agreed to take me. If you were to ask someone directions from Kilkenny to Waterford, they would say, "well that's easy, just get on the "waterford road" and stay on it til you are there." Well, that does sound easy!. But the Waterford road is not a highway. You go in and out of small villages all along the way. And when you are driving, it's hard sometimes to see which way is the right way to stay on a certain road. Especially when the road posts are like this:

I have six months now before I can apply for a full license. I'd better get practicing. Look out Kilkenny!

E! THS: The truth about Katie

While Katie isn't famous or in rehab somewhere (yet), E! found the sham of a blog I sent out yesterday detailing Katie's birthday and decided that the truth must be told....

This is E! True Hollywood, (FL) Story : The Truth about Katie

What started out as a few innocent drinks with friends to celebrate the big 0-1 soon devolved into such debauchery, few can stomach the details...

Our crack team of undercover investigators snapped these photos of Katie's binging. She was confronted with the evidence, but...
She refused to listen. A source close to Katie is quoted as saying, "She refused to listen".

And 'the drink' wasn't all Katie had gotten into. She'd discovered.... sweets.

As we know all too well, sugar is often called 'the gateway drug' and in this case, sadly, it appears that it is true. While we haven't been able to verify the authenticity of the following image, we believe these things were going on right under the very noses of those who claim they love little Katie the most.

All this partying began to lead to some strange behavior

But she was living the life...

She drove fast cars and hung out with SUPER smokin-HOT women. And I mean really good-looking, model types.

Unfortunately, her indulgences ran on the extravagant side, and there was a short time when she had resort to showing some skin to score her next fix.

But even this wasn't enough to convince her to slow down.

She was at the height of her birthday partying when her whole world came crumbling down.

She was arrested for speeding and driving under the influence of birthday cake. She tried to talk her way out of it. Witnesses claim she was furious, shouting taunts and insults to the arresting officers. "You'll never get away with this... Don't you know how cute I am?" she was reported to have said.

However convincing Katie's arguments may have been, the photo evidence was damning. She just could not walk a straight line.

Her mug shots reveal just how her night in the fast lane had taken it's toll.

And THAT, my friends, is the truth. The whole sordid affair. The reason behind Katie's sudden "taking ill". Now you may ask, why then weren't her parents quick to heed the warnings and avoid being holed up in the crapper for two days? Well, as someone who knows them well has said, "Those two would let a toddler party by herself. They are much too thoughtful to do that." The pair declined to comment.

Well folks, there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Katie is clean (diapered) and sober (looking) now for nearly 24 hours. No more vomitus maximus and she is said to be 'DI-Reee' free.
She was spotted grocery shopping with her mother and standing (yes, for about 10 seconds) in the castle park this afternoon.
She is getting on with her life. She is happy and thanks all those who sent their love and support. It is rumored that she has even begun talking to someone to work through her pain...