Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Mom Chronicles: Chapter 6

Its been a while since I've had a real what-the-hell-do-I-do-now? parenting moment. And this one, like others before, is about poop. Looking back on the Chronicles, I have panicked and strained (pun intended) over pee, poo, vomit, snot... what is it about bodily functions that baffle me so as a mother? Should I not be more concerned over emotional fortitude and scholastic advancement?

Perhaps. But don't try to elevate me to some higher level. Poo. It's what I do.

Katie and I go to the gym with Manus on Wednesdays and while he works out, we play in the pool. All was going well until she wandered over to the side, stared blindly into space and her mouth took on that all-to-familiar ampersand/apostrophe/question mark shape I've come to know and fear. I actually begged her to stop. Splashed her with water to distract the process. Bribed her with a pony. But that train had already tooted its horn and was heading out of the station.

We'd only been in the pool for about 15 minutes. We had another 30 before Manus would be ready to go. What do I do? My friend Leslie said her daughter ALWAYS poos when she first gets in a pool, like some Pavlovian reaction to water. She is prepared for it with a second swim diaper. Was I? Nope. Was I prepared for the holy war that would ensue when I told Katie that we had to get out of the pool already? Nope. Did I end up making the right decision to protect the water quality in the kiddie pool?

Nope.

So I'm thinking - well, damage is already done, right? What's one more minute in the pool with a happy kid while I think this through? What are swim diapers for if not for holding in such things? She'd been pretty backed up so this would be a hard one - it won't leak, right? What would Leslie do? What would a responsible parent do? How many friggin kids have crapped in this pool???? Why am I swimming in this sesspool of sewage? When's the last time they tested the water? Can everyone tell my kid has a load in her shorts?

She swam and splashed and undoubtedly trailed a murky brown poop cloud for another 15 minutes. When I actually saw a chunk seep from the TOP of the bathing suit, well...

I scooped up my screaming, flailing child and carried her out of the pool. The other mothers were staring. Did they know? Could they tell? I will swear I didnt know it had happened until just that second.! What kind of mother did they take me for? Dont. you. judge. me!

I locked us both in the handicapped bathroom in the changing 'village' as they call it. Thank god there was a shower with hand-held water spout in the corner of the room. As I peeled down the wet swim diaper, my many errors in judgement over the last half hour revealed themselves: There is no poop so solid that it will not be affected by being submerged in water. There is no way that we didn't just irreversibly contaminate 3000 gallons of pool water. And kids do not completely digest peas.

The community pool where my Grandmother used to live had a sign up that read;
"Welcome to our ool
Notice there's no 'P' in it?
Please keep it that way"

There was also one there that said,
"If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
please be neat and raise the seat."

I just think that if the gym wanted to be a little more clear regarding their expectations, they should have some signage such as;
"Welcome to our L
Notice there's no poo in it?"

Or maybe, for the slow-reactors like me:
"If you toot in your bathing suit,
Get the fuck out of the pool IMMEDIATELY"

5 comments:

Kathy said...

I have never posted a comment on a blog, but I feel compelled to tell you that between your writing and your wit, you make me laugh -sometimes out loud. Now this often makes me the center of some office speculation about what I'm doing over there at my desk, but I figure it's still probably better than what they're doing.....You could easily write professionally - I would gladly pay money to buy your first book (or the magazine if you want to be lazy and only write an article...)Until then, thank you for allowing us to share the chapters of your life.

Clodagh said...

: ) : )

Debbie said...

LOL!!! So, funny, I was thinking the same thing even before I read Kathy's comment. Please, please publish the Mom Chronicles one day.

How are you feeling? Do you realize we could technically go in like 5-6 weeks? I think I'm actually beginning to get nervous!

Mom said...

See, child...many people think you have talent, not just your mom!

Anonymous said...

OMG! You are just TOO funny! Pap would be so proud!
Jen