Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Mom Chronicles. Chapter 4

Last week Katie and I went over to see Mary and new baby Conor for an hour or so. Katie was very good with the baby. She didn't try to stick her finger in his eye or anything. Mary is still adjusting to the idea of being a mother of two and I am sympathizing with her. Its funny how just 15 short months ago what seemed like an insurmountable task - taking care of one baby - now seems like a piece of cake when comparing it to trying to take care of a newborn AND a toddler. I'm not even pregnant with the second one and I am already yearning for those days when all you had to do was eat, sleep and poo on the same schedule as your one baby.

I think God does this kinda stuff just for giggles. Its like when you are a kid and you are so mad that you have to take an afternoon nap. You can't wait to be a grown up. Then you become an adult. And you want to go back in time and slap the silly right out of your past self because you would give your right arm to be allowed to play outside and come in for milk and cookies and a little siesta after lunch.

moral: what you dread today will be what you miss tomorrow. oh you cruel, cruel world.

So, back to my story... after our visit, K and I when to do our weekly grocery shopping. Katie is sitting in the shopping cart (trolley) and squealing up a storm. Talking, cooing, squirming... Appearing to be having a grand old time. She burped and a little tiny fleck of something brown and mushy landed on her dress. She looked down and looked at me and I wiped it off with my thumb and expertly flicked it like a big juicy booger into the packages of ground beef. Looking back, I can see now how that should have been an indication of things to come... A harbinger of ugly events, for as we were turning into the cereal aisle, Katie let fly a spewing of her gastrointestinal contents like she was auditioning to be the next Linda Blair.

Time stood still. Images passed my eyes in slow motion. I watched as the chunks and liquid spilled forth from her mouth, down her dress, her arm, her leg, the cart, and SPLATTERED onto the floor. I think actually that I jumped back away from her a few feet...how sad that that would be my instinctual reaction. Sorry kid! You're on you own with this one... I always wondered if I would rise up in an emergency. fight or flight? Hasta la vista, baby. I'm just glad I wasn't holding her as now I am pretty sure I would have dropped her into the mess of her own making. She will talk about me in therapy someday.

My first thought was, crap! and her diaper bag is in the car! I don't have anything to clean her up with! I didn't know what to do... Then the two brain cells that were actually still on the job hollered into the giant chasm of empty space in my head and said, "hello?! you are standing in the middle of a store - what do you have in the diaper bag that you don't have here?" good point. Luckily we were a stone's throw from the paper goods and I grabbed the first package of paper towels I could find. Then it was like when you spill a glass of milk and it runs off the end of the table onto the carpet. You don't want old rotten milk smell in your carpet, so you the go straight for the carpet but the milk is still dripping from the table edge so you have to clean from the top down but then you are just looking at the milk as it seeps into the fibers and... I was trying to sop up the puddles on the floor, but Ms. Mt Vesuvius wasn't done. So then I tried to catch the puke as it was coming out of her mouth but paper towel is not that absorbent so it was really just now having to roll off my hand then onto the dress, leg, cart, floor.

Some poor, poor young part-time, after school employees came to my aid. Why they didn't bring a mop, I don't know, but they were going to clean the floor with a roll of paper towels too. I could not in good conscience let them touch vomit! I said to them, now, this isn't in your job description. I will clean it up, 'cause sadly, it is in mine.

So they got some cardboard and we managed to scoop up the bulk of the mess onto the cardboard and into the trash. Katie, all the while, looking on, forlorn and chartreuse. The girls kept saying to me, It's okay, you can finish with your shopping. But I realized, that was indeed the million dollar question. Do I carry on with my shopping? Is she going to get sick again? There couldn't be anything left. But Katie and the cart are soaked and smelly. But, on the other hand, I was almost done...

I kept shopping. Acutely aware of everything I was touching. With my vomit hands. Remember the cold germ commercial where the kid sneezes fluorescent germs then they transfer to the door nob then to the next kid, then to the next? I could SEE the vomit molecule trail I was leaving behind.

When, of course, Katie started throwing up again in the frozen food section... I could have died. How do I explain this to the girls when they come to clean up AGAIN? I had no choice but a quick and hasty mop up job and slink out of the store.

I tell this story today because I went back to the grocery for the first time since 'the incident' this morning. I was half-expecting to find a posted notice with a grainy surveillance camera photo of me and la barfarama mama asking "Have you seen this person? Reward for info leading to capture."

Fortunately our trip was uneventful. But I did however closely inspect the cart. You never know what is going to be dried on them...


Anonymous said...

Hey, it's Jess. You should send these snippets in to "Parenting" or some other magazine. They are every bit as good as what I've read in the dr's office, mostly better. You do make me laugh.

Debbie said...

LOL. Fabulous.

The Stewart Report said...

LOL!! Addy threw up for the first time a week ago (that's right, first time to throw up at 17 months). We were in the car and let's just say it is VERY difficult to dismantle a car seat chock full of watermelon puke. Poor kid though, the look on her face was like WHAT WAS THAT!! THIS IS HORRIBLE!! As disgusting as it was I almost laughed

Anonymous said...

As a clerk in a fine retail establishment, let me confirm that the talk in the lounge will be about you and your barf machine. It will go something like this.
Ewwww... did you see that woman and that kid out there? vomit everywhere! She didn't even have a diaper bag with her. She must be a tourist! Not only did we have to clean up the mess, THEN she kept shoppinginstaed of taking her kid home. Yeah, you guessed it, the kid wasn't done barfing! Why would someone bring a sick child shopping. Really where are the social workers when you need one.

And then the next day, OH NO!!! Look outside! It is the barf family again. Quick, punch out for lunch! Don't let her see you! pretend you don't remember her. Don't let her know you threw away all the clothes you wore yesterday cause they smelled like puke. RUN!!!!!