Friday, July 11, 2008

Knock, Knock

Who's There?
Irish-American Who?

I 'rish' Ameri can tell a better joke than Malinda


(Who the hell is Ameri?)

No, really, I just made that one up. I swear. I've thought up a few humdingers in my day, not that I like to brag or anything. The saddest thing is that I made up a real doozy of a joke one night while I was laying in bed (not sleeping) and I can't for the life of me think of what it was...
The people of earth suffer for my forgetfulness.

But, in talking about American stereotypes the other day, I got to thinking of all the Irish stereotypes we see in the jokes told by Americans. How many jokes do you know with "Father Murphy" or "Old Paddy Joe" or "An Irishman, a German, and a whatever..." or "That Irishman who loves Whiskey" - (oh wait, that one's Manus..) But my point is, there are a lot of "Irish Jokes".

Well, I set out to see what jokes the Irish tell about Americans.

And there aren't any. There are redneck jokes and well, George Bush jokes... But those are jokes we tell ourselves. And, apparently, they are Jokes we elect President. Twice. Who is laughing now?

There just doesnt seem to be an American Joke genre here in Ireland. Or Europe. I think they feel we do and say enough IN REAL LIFE that they find really hysterical. No need to make up shit. I dunno.

But I did find some few jokes that I think have an air of truth about them, and I share them with you now...

After the Irish Beer Festival in Dublin, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

And remember the story I told about the singer... what's his name? He played with Donovan... And he didn't want a whiskey cause he was a recovering alcoholic, he'd just have a glass of Guinness?

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll
you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was
a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

North Dubliners don’t like the South Dubliners because they think they are
righteous snobs. South Dubliners don’t like the North ‘cause they don’t get out
of the shower to pee.

These are a few I found on a website posted BY Irishmen so they can't get offended, and there must be a bit of truth in them too.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads. The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint. The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting "SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o'whiskey. Just to calm my nerves” So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior,
Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was
stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it
is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A ventriloquist visiting Wicklow, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Wicklowman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager:"The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist:"Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"

Now this last one isn't Irish, but it pretty much explains how I feel when I'm in town shopping (pretend that I am the one asking for the sausages.)

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I were Italian?
Or if I had asked for feta cheese, would you ask me if I were Greek ?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I wereGerman?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I were Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I were Mexican? Wouldyou? Would you?'
The clerk says, 'Well, no!'
'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I were Irish?'
'Well, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation, the
guy says, 'Well then, whydid you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked
for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replies, 'Because you're at Home Depot.'


Clodagh said...

lol :) :) :)

Debbie said...

lol - do you recall the Seinfeld episode where Jerry comes up with jokes while he's sleeping, so he keeps a pen and paper on his nightstand to write them down so he doesn't forget? Just a thought.

But then you have to make sure you're writing clearly. It was that same episode where he wrote down a joke but couldn't decipher it in the morning. I think he was going to use it on Leno that night or something.

There's a Seinfeld episode for every situation in life.


Leslie said...

You need some friends. You have entirely too much time on your hands.

xandra said...

Mike says some of these are standard catholic jokes.