Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Mom Chronicles: Chapter 5

First off, I dedicate this chapter to my dear friends Erica and Dan Archabal with my hearty congratulations on the birth of their little girl...
because if God is fair, they will know every joy with Austin Elouise Maite Archabal that I have been blessed to know with my Katie.

That being said, this story is entitled;
How to Remove Poop from Shag Carpet

Step 1: Pour another glass of wine.

Step 2: Drink it. The night is certainly not going to get any better at this rate without it.

Step 3: Shudder to think that when you first smelled the poo you naively thought you could get away with not changing your child until the next commercial break.

Step 4: Recall with horror the moment you looked over and saw brown spots on the carpet in front of the living room chair and thought, "Oh sh--" (insert the obvious)

Step 5: Toss your child into the bath, fully dressed. Wonder how in the world "it" found it's way through the diaper and out the leg of the BRAND NEW SHORTS YOU JUST BOUGHT TODAY.

Step 6: Wonder why these things always happen when your husband is out.

Step 7: Curse you husband for always being out when these things happen.

Step 8: Curse him again in case the first time it didn't go through.

Step 9: Dress your child in footed pajamas after the bath so that she can walk through the "crime scene" before you can grab the paper towels and cleaning products.

Step 10: Change your child - again

Step 11: Use every cleaning product you have and scrub the spots in a "lifting out" instead of "rubbing in" fashion. (If anyone knows how to do this, please let me know)

Step 12: Wonder if it's like gum and perhaps you should put ice on it to freeze before attempting to remove?

Step 13: Dab and blot. Blot and dab. Forgo spraying - pour on the bleach.

Step 14: Say f*ck it, you're renting, and push the chair forward 6-8 inches until the stains are covered completely.


Clodagh said...


The same thing happened to us at our holiday rental, good thinking on moving the furniture forward, great minds think alike. I will not finish that saying though!

The Stewart Report said...

LMAO!!! That may have been the funniest thing I have ever read. There are tears literally running down my face. It's so nice to know that shit doesn't just happen to me :)

erica said...

Been then, done that, too many times. Thanks for the laugh!

Josh Fleming said...

Man, I'm a dork, I was still logged in as Erica. So its her brother, in the Erica post above and here. Some tech whiz I am - don't tell my boss. : )

erica said...

Love, love, love it...and will continue to check in with this blog, and with you, for more up to the minute parenting advice. It's a wild ride already, but I'm hooked.
Much love!

Leslie said...

Let me tell you, cat poop is equally challenging on shag. sadly, Frasier is having sphincter issues as of late, and Jona is having the joy of blot and dab daily. The Oxy clean Pod is a miracle of modern, shit cleaning science.

Debbie said...

It gets on the carpet?!?